Bullet Points: N.Y.P.D. Mounted

There is no city like the Big Apple. I’m not talking about the plethora of landmarks, countless world class eateries or the fact that you can find something going on in what you are interested in at any hour of the day, even though NY has all that and more. What makes New York tops is the women and men in blue. Besides keeping the denizens of the city that never sleeps safe, the New York Police Department has a long history of collaring perps in film. If you are like me and cannot get enough action movies featuring top notch police work you are in for a treat. I happen to have some Bullet Points for a movie that features the prestigious N.Y.P.D. Mounted Unit, the aptly titled N.Y.P.D. Mounted. So saddle up and join me on a journey to a 1991 action comedy hidden gem.

• N.Y.P.D. Mounted first debuted as a TV movie and there are several aspects of the film that come across like they wanted it to be series.

• The title screen says the movie is New York Mounted which gives it a real pornographic movie title feel which is why I like the added P.D.

• Dan Gauthier plays Lonnie ‘Lucky’ Wellington, a Montana police officer and rodeo cowboy going through a divorce and left with only gets his horse Blaze and a saddle he claims was owned by Kit Carson.

• There is a running gag throughout the movie every time Wellington tells someone about the saddle they claim it is a fake and that there is a man selling them at a flea market.

• Wellington decides to leave Montana to become a member of the N.Y.P.D. Mounted Unit, you can almost smell the fish out of water from here.

• Meanwhile N.Y.P.D. Officer Tony Spampatta is fed up with all the dangerous work and crazy people he has to deal with and is looking to transfer to the Mounted Unit because he believes it is only for show even though he doesn’t know how to ride a horse.

• Spampatta is played with great aplomb by Dennis Franz, which really isn’t much of a surprise considering N.Y.P.D. Blue, Die Hard II, Hill Street Blues, and according to Franz himself, over 20 other roles as a cop.

• The act that sends him over the top is having to deal with a cross dresser claiming to be Diana Ross who takes potshots at Paula Abdul and rightfully gets punched in the face by Spampatta.

• Fitting with a story that would have been better stretched out over a television series, Spampatta has a family that we only get to briefly see: a devoted loving wife; a rebellious teenage daughter; and a son that has different interests than his old man.

• With his daughter, we get to see Spampatta creepily ask her to lift up her skirt to see what she has underneath, which turns out to be a magic red mini skirt that turns to a black mini skirt in the next shot.

• Spampatta makes fun of his son for playing the electric flute, but his son sticks Jethro Tull back in his dad’s face.

• The horse from hell is the nickname given to the horse that Spampatta learns to ride on and the ride ends in comedic fashion in Central Park.

• Spampatta eventually names his horse Steve, as in Steve Lawrence, all the kids watching probably loved that reference.

• Steve loves to eat and drink the food that Spampatta is trying to eat, especially hot dogs, and is possibly the second funniest character in the movie.

• Wellington and Spampatta are paired together because Wellington is an experienced horseman, even getting the nickname the Horse Fairy, and Spampatta is an experienced New York cop so they can learn from each other.

• The pair is put together by Captain Smithers played by Cliff De Young, who loves General George Custer and is an archetypal clueless boss.

• Wellington and Spampatta don’t get along because they are complete opposites and hilarity naturally ensues.

• Every leading man needs a love interest and for Wellington that is Lieutenant Torres, his superior played by Roxann Dawson.

• Many of you might remember Dawson from Star Trek: Voyager where she played… Lieutenant Torres, but I think they are separate characters because in N.Y.P.D. Mounted she doesn’t have those silly lines in her forehead.

• N.Y.P.D. Mounted excels in horse based action with one scene having Rossini’s William Tell Overture playing (ala The Lone Ranger) during a chase that features horses jumping over cars.

• The top horse action is when Blaze is running amok in a department store and only calmed when Wellington uses a bra on Blaze as a pair of blinders.

• For those that like traditional action and less equine action, N.Y.P.D. Mounted has its fair share of shootouts, explosions and good old fashion New York street crime.

• Another animal is the key to the plot in N.Y.P.D. Mounted as a tiger is set loose in the city by a couple of want to be wiseguys, Mickey and Nicky.

• These two goofs took a tiger on consignment from a guy in Buffalo in order to make some money and gain favor with the local organized crime but the tiger is let out of their van by a guy trying to steal their radio – Classic New York City!

• For some reason it looks like two different tigers were used because sometimes the tiger has a chain and other times it is missing plus the tigers look completely different.

• The reason they used two tigers is because you can’t really have a live tiger running in Central Park and they just used some stock footage.

• N.Y.P.D. Mounted has a couple of famous faces in early roles with John Leguizamo playing a blacksmith for the N.Y.P.D. Mounted Unit and Kristin Davis playing a mugging victim.

• Speaking of Sex and the City, watching Spampatta talk dirty to his car might be one of the greatest moments in a movie jam packed with fun and excitement.

• Speaking of jam, Captain Smithers has the most head scratching quote this side of “Wouldn’t that jar your mother’s preserves” when he tells Wellington and Spampatta to, “jam up and jelly tight.”

• Wellington and Spampatta must eventually come together to save the city from the tiger and being a television movie it isn’t too hard to guess that the movie is wrapped up nicely with a bow at the end after a couple of top notch chases ending at Coney Island.

• The movie ends with the pair riding off into the sunset just like this Bullet Points.