Bullet Points: Exciting Dragon aka Drunken Dragon

Many times films are known by different names in different markets or the filmmakers may change the name during production. Movies with multiple titles are at the top of some people’s list of biggest pet peeves and I understand why. It can be confusing to know what movie you are talking about and therefore waters down the brand. Once in a while a film will have multiple names that both make so much sense that it doesn’t matter which one you choose. Luckily for you I happen to have one such movie that is so exciting but is filled with off the wall action and story that a drunkard must have been involved. Join me in a journey to 1985’s kung fu classic Exciting Dragon aka Drunken Dragon and be prepared to read some kung fu wackiness that must be seen to be believed.

• Our Heroes: Doggy (Suen Kwok-Ming) is a sort of sad sack who isn’t really depressed but not looking for much in life and lives with his grandma, the aptly named Granny. What is not so fitting is that Granny is played by the legendary Chiang Sheng in drag. Doggy doesn’t have much going on but he does have a childhood friend coming to be his wife, however he is surprised out to find that Tiger (Chow Mei-Yee) is now a fat and demanding woman. When he first sees Tiger running towards him, Doggy pictures a giant pig running towards him (a woman played by a man in drag and a woman compared to a hog, Exciting Dragon does not portray women in the highest esteem.)  All three excel at martial arts, with Tiger exceptionally skilled even for her big size. Granny is a witchdoctor and also happens to wear the Seven Star Armor.

• Our Villains: A group of bad guys led by Phillip Ko Fei as Tung Fu is after the Seven Star Armour in order to become the top martial artist. Tung Fu has two lackeys that help him on his search. The first has a giant candle on the top of his head that acts like a flamethrower when he bows his head and also has blade on the top when not lit. The second goon has a killer garden weasel (the lawn implement, not the animal) that can move on its own and change size. Tung Fu has his own special weapon that is very similar to one of those extending boxing gloves except it is just the palm… and deadlier.

• Our Excitement: After Doggy is initially defeated by Tung Fu in a fight, Granny sends him to train with his eccentric inventor Granduncle (Leung Kar-Yan) while Tiger goes back to her hometown to get thin. Sadly, we never see or hear from Tiger again. Granny gives Doggy the armor to protect, but Tung Fu does not know this when he attacks Granny with deadly aplomb. Granduncle, who had a major crush on Granny, and Doggy begin to train to get revenge on Tung Fu which means excellent training montages and a final showdown between our heroes and villains.

So you might be thinking that Exciting Dragon doesn’t sound that exciting and it might drag on when you watch. You would be wrong. The kung fu action is basically non-stop that somehow manages to marry equal levels of seriousness and silliness. Many of the fights and stunts add unique touches that you will not see in traditional fight films and are even special to kung fu films. I can’t leave you without mentioning the top notch soundtrack that never misses a beat. If you ignore the fact that many plot lines are started but just disappear and just take in what is on screen it will be pretty hard not be entertained by Exciting Dragon. If you are looking for examples of why Exciting Dragon is so much fun, read the Bonus Bullet Points and it will be pretty hard not to be entertained.

• If you ever want to see fight between a man standing up and a man seated in a tiny wheeled rowboat on land…

• If you ever wanted to see a man lying face down a wheeled vehicle with another man lying face up on his back and then see the vehicle cut off another man’s legs…

• If you ever wanted to see the large bodied martial artist Tiger cause a man to pee his pants within the first two minutes on screen and end up with her hands down his pants…

• If you ever wanted to see a man kick a pregnant woman clear across a restaurant…

• If you ever wanted to see said pregnant woman’s daughter head-butt said kicker in his genitals until he summarily throws her across said restaurant while telling her to drop dead…

• If you ever wanted to see a dinner called sweet human skull that looks exactly like the ugliest man you know made of food…

• If you ever wanted to hear the insult, “You will be as bald as a nun” directed to a sweet old lady…

• If you ever wanted to see Granny (who remember is played by a man) be hypnotized into doing a strip tease in front of her friends and family…

• If you ever wanted to see a man play a glass harp with his hands… and ass (ass harp?)…

• If you ever wanted to see the world’s first camera that looks exactly like an owl…

• If you ever wanted to see kung fu training utilizing an oversized novelty mallet…

• If you ever wanted to see Granduncle accidentally start reading pornography (some very clinical sounding pornography) while subliminally training Doggy causing Doggy to… let’s say pitch a tent…

• … then Exciting Dragon aka Drunken Dragon aka Long fa wei is for you.