Batman’s Tragic Love Life
It’s hard to be the girlfriend of a superhero in comic books. Ask Gwen Stacy, Lois Lane, or any number of DareDevil lovers who ended up super dead. There is a reason that superheroes keep their identities secret and part of it is because they don’t want their significant others to be tortured and murdered. Seems to make sense.
But when you’re Batman, fighting crime and getting laid often collide in a sexy latex/rubber suited sex/murder combo. That sounds gross, kinky, and also very confusing. What I’m trying to say is that being Batman’s lady lover in the movies is a sure way to have your life ruined.
Batman (1989)
Michael Keaton bats way above his average after convincing Kim Basinger’s alliterative journalist Vicki Vale to join him for drinks. She falls for his immense wealth and turtleneck sweater collection and it isn’t long until Batman is running all over town trying to save her from danger. It really makes you wonder which is more important to the man, his woman or his city?
Batman Returns (1992)
Michelle Pfeiffer is extremely bangable as Catwoman as she slinks her way around Gotham, flinging her whip around and licking all sorts of things. Danny DeVito gets super turned on and tries to bang her but Batman beats him to it after showing off his massive mansion to her. Batman always seems to find love in all the wrong places. Why can’t he just pull a Leo DiCaprio and work his way through the Victoria’s Secret catalogue?
Batman Forever (1995)
Val Kilmer takes over the role of Batman and immediately is propositioned by the ultra sexy Nicole Kidman. Kidman is amazingly cast as the head doctor named Dr. Chase Meridian, which might be my favorite comic book name ever. She constantly tries to get into his Batsuit but Bruce Wayne has less luck with the good doctor. Chase, surprisingly doesn’t get killed but Batman is forced to rescue her from Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones’ overacting.
Batman & Robin (1997)
George Clooney is the most overrated actor of all time. He weaseled his way into the role of Batman and went about destroying it in a matter of about 95 minutes. Yeah, the movie is an absolute dog turd but Clooney and Chris O’Donnell suck so bad at being crime fighters that they nearly destroyed the franchise. All the men chase after Uma Thurman because she uses her evil kiss powers on them but there is no argument that this is Batman at his most gay (not that there’s anything wrong with it!).
Batman Begins (2005)
Katie Holmes, the former lover of clinically insane man Tom Cruise, plays the lifelong friend and wannabe f*ckbuddy of Bruce Wayne named Rachel Dawes. They share a passionate kiss, she learns that Bruce is The Batman, and then we’re left to only imagine Christian Bale and Katie Holmes knocking boots in the burned down rubble of Wayne Manor.
The Dark Knight (2008)
Katie Holmes is replaced by Maggie Gyllenhaal, a move that instantly turned Rachel Dawes from the attractive best friend/wannabe lover to the “only hot at work” chick. She’s moved on from Bruce Wayne and found love in the arms of Harvey Dent. Any Bat-fan will tell you that it probably won’t end well and we get to see her blown to smithereens by the crazy Heath Ledger Joker. Batman cries and Alfred pretends to not know that Rachel chose Harvey over Bruce. Very lame.
The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
Bruce is all banged up but soon slips back into his old costume to chase down the very sexy Catwoman played by Anne Hathaway. After trying his best to convert his X-Ray goggles into something that will only see through latex, he finally decides instead to pursue the very loose Miranda (Marion Cotillard). She is super rich and hot (double bonus) but also turns out to be the evilest of all. We end the movie with Batman killing her and running off with Catwoman, leaving his crime fighting responsibilities to the young former police officer with no training and no money. Good luck kid.
Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)
Despite the longest title of any of the Batman movies, Ben Affleck’s turn wearing the muscle-molded Bat suit left him with plenty of bruises from his fighting with Superman but nothing compared to the blue balls he got from finally not having a love interest. Sorry Bats, go home and take a cold shower.
The moral of this story is: it doesn’t pay to be Batman’s bae.
