Bullet Points: Cold Skin
I have had somewhat of a love/hate relationship with Ray Stevenson over the years. I thought he was great in Rome. That show was really cool and if it had been given a larger budget it might have been the Game of Thrones/Vikings a decade before they ever came around. He was also one of the characters I liked in the second G.I. Joe movie and a wonderful addition to the cast of Black Sails. I know what you’re thinking, where does the hate come from? Well, he was in Punisher: War Zone, and I hate that movie with a passion.
Synopsis: A man arrives on a desolate island in the Arctic Circle to take up a weather post for the next year. Upon his arrival, he realizes that the man he was supposed to take the place of has disappeared and is assumed dead. Also, a gruff individual is living in a nearby lighthouse which looks to be armed and prepared for defense. Soon, the man learns that a deadly species also resides on the island and his presence is not wanted.
- Setting it up: The movie kicks off in 1914, right before the start of World War I. We meet the main character played by David Oakes, who we never actually get a name for. He’s listed as “Friend” in the closing credits and I can’t recall him being called anything other than “you” at any point during the film. It’s unimportant what his name is, though, because we’re thrust into the same desolate landscape as him with as much (or little) information as he ever got about the situation on the island.
- What is going on: Oakes can’t find the guy he’s replacing and only learns of his abrupt departure after coming face to face with a naked Ray Stevenson in a lighthouse. More questions arise after their meeting since the lighthouse looks like some medieval border fort with long wooded spikes all over it. It’s odd that Oakes didn’t even mention those when he met Stevenson’s Gruner but I guess when you’re expecting to be all alone on an island you don’t really worry about some watery mermaid creatures.
- Say what: That’s right! It isn’t long before Oakes’ new cabin starts getting probed by some fishy friends and he and Gruner turn into roommates in their desperation. They have some real Odd Couple moments in between the almost nightly attempts on their lives and we learn to enjoy the banter between the two. Cold Skin‘s greatest moments are the ones that try and explain why it is that these two men would volunteer for such a position.
- Dances with mermaids: I don’t really know what these creatures are. They’re not really mermaids but that’s as close as I can come to an explanation without dissecting one myself. I’m calling it ‘Dances with Mermaids’ because the layout of the movie reminded me a bit of the Kevin Costner film Dances with Wolves. You’ll have to replace frontier America with a desolate Arctic island and the Native American people with these sea people but, again, it’s not a perfect comparison.
- Fighting for their lives: The two men are eventually in a pretty bad spot. They’re running low on ammunition and these things continue to attack them in numbers that would make the defenders of Helm’s Deep cringe. Not unlike others who have been in a similar position, the two resort to some dangerous alternatives and find themselves in some explosive situations.
- Did I mention the banging?: C’mon, you try being stuck on an island for months or years. Those ocean babes would start looking pretty good to you too!
If you were stuck on an abandoned island for a year you would really want some Bonus Bullet Points:
- The Shape of Water may have won all the awards but I don’t think anyone in that movie had to fight hundreds of digital Doug Jones’ to save their own lives.
- Why didn’t they name the movie Sloppy Seafood Seconds?
- The first rule of defending your wooden cabin should be to not burn it to the ground.
The Verdict: Cold Skin was a movie that hadn’t crossed my radar until I found myself one day randomly searching online for movies that were similar to Aliens. It’s something that I end up doing at least a few times a year. Normally it leads me to watching some terrible 80’s sci-fi movie on YouTube but while Cold Skin isn’t very Aliens like, it did have me glued to the screen till the end. David Oakes, Ray Stevenson, and Aura Garrido are pretty much the only actors for 95% of the movie and do an excellent job of developing not only their own characters, but also laying out the motivations of everyone involved in the film. Oakes is especially fantastic in his role and the action scenes are mostly something that happens to the characters instead of something that they seek out. The film looks great, as well. If you only know French director Xavier Gens from that not-so-great Hitman movie then you need to forget that existed and watch Cold Skin. You won’t regret it.
