Bullet Points: Never Too Young to Die
Hollywood has tried and tried again to replicate the success of the James Bond franchise for decades.
There have been comedic takes on the Bond sub-genre like Operation Kid Brother (starring Sean Connery’s actual brother Neil) and the two Ian Hunter starrng “Duncan Jax” movies, Unmasking the Idol and The Order of the Black Eagle.
There was a failed attempt by Orion in 198 to make a blue collar James Bond when they released Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins…
In 1986, there were hopes of starting a sort of “Son of Bond” franchise with the release of Never Too Young to Die…
- Ragner’s Deadly Finger: Before the opening credits even roll we are introduced to one of the most eccentric villains in action entertainment history and learn of his plan of poisoning the water supply with radioactive waste. The villain is a hermaphrodite known as Velvet Von Ragner (played by KISS front man, Gene Simmons in drag). Ragner is serving as the master of ceremonies for a pep rally/public execution for his army of punks. Ragner informs his followers that a computer disk vital to Ragner’s plan to poison the water has been stolen. Ragner then has his muscle (known as Pyramid) bring out the traitor in their group… a punkette who gave the disk to Ragner’s arch rival, secret agent extraordinaire Drew Stargrove (played by one time Jame Bond, George Lazenby). The punkette refutes the charges, but Ragner finds her guilty and kills her with his deadly finger!
- One Down, One To Go: With the traitor eliminated but still not having the computer disk he needs, Ragner turns his attention to Drew Stargrove. Ragner has infiltrated the very agency that employs Drew Stargrove and nobody knows that Agent Carruthers is actually Velvet Von Ragner… well Drew Stargrove eventually figures it out, but at that point it is too late and when Drew refuses to give up where the computer disk is, Ragner kills him too.
- The Last Stargrove: Drew Stargrove hid the coveted computer disk inside a care package that he sent to his son Lance Stargrove (John Stamos), a college student/gymnast at Dunbar University. Up until this point in his life, Lance was always of the belief that his father worked as a trouble shooter for a big oil company and that is why he was always away and travelling the world. But after Drew’s death (the official report stating he died in a car accident), Lance starts to learn the truth about what his father did for a living. He also inherits his father’s retreat in the country and meets one of his father’s professional associates, Danja Deering (Vanity). In fact, when Lance decides to check out the property he has inherited, he stumbles upon Danja fighting for her life against Ragner’s henchman, Pyramid. It is obvious that Ragner is not giving up on finding that disk and now Danja and Lance are on Ragner’s shit list!
- Cheating Death: While Danja does her best to keep Lance out of harm’s way at first, Lance persists and he finds himself in the thick of things right along with Danja as they thwart Ragner’s attempts at eliminating them time and time again. The sexual tension between Danja and Lance begins to build and it culminates after Danja teases Lance while doing a little sunbathing… at this point you could be sure of two things, Vanity was going to get naked and Stamos was going to bed her! But there is not much time for afterglow as our two heroes find themselves snatched up and taken to Ragner’s compound where they are about to be executed… with Lance and Danja out of the way nothing will be able to stop Ragner from poisoning the water supply!
Never Too Young To Die never takes itself too seriously something that is evident the moment Gene Simmons appears on the screen in his over the top, drag queen ensemble. The heroes in Never Too Young to Die are likable and the villain is memorable to say the least.
The “haha” moments in the movie are mixed with scenes like Danja being pursued by some motorcycle punks as she blows them away and maneuvers her convertible under a moving semi to avoid her relentless pursuers. Exciting moments like that give the movie a good balance of comedy and action.
A quality Bullet Points style review, has a good balance of Bullet Points and Bonus Bullet Points…
- Familiar Faces: The man most famous for playing Freddy Krueger, Robert Englund, plays Riley, Ragner’s loyal tech guy who has the smarts to make Ragner’s diabolical dream come true… Branscombe Richmond of Renegade fame plays a member of Ragner’s army of punks who gets his ass handed to him by Lance and then pays for his failure by getting Ragner’s deadly finger!
- If You Ever: … wanted to see Gene Simmons’ tits exposed, then this is the movie for you… wait, WHAT?!?!
- Future Shock: Lance’s college roommate Cliff (Peter Kwong, Big Trouble in Little China) is a tech whiz and an inventor, just the type of friend an aspiring secret agent could use. Cliff was way ahead of the curve when he helped Lance cheat on a test, with watches that could receive primitive forms of text messages.
- Missed Opportunity: How did the soundtrack for Never Too Young to Die not feature songs by Gene Simmons, Vanity or Jesse and The Rippers? The movie does feature some of Simmons’ musical talents when Velvet Von Ragner performs at The Incerator nightclub.
- Enter the London: World famous professional wrestler Paul London, adopted the song “Never Too Young to Die” as his entrance music in 2016. But Paul doesn’t just enter the ring to the song as it appears in the closing credits… Paul actually sings the song as he makes his way to the ring.
- Favorite Song: For me, my favorite song from the film is the jaunty ditty “Stargrove” performed by Tommie Lee Bradley. The song is featured in the opening credits as we get to see Lance Stargrove’s gymnastic skills on display.
