What Not To Watch: Hammer Down

Last week when I talked about Reflex Action I mentioned how it was the new low in What Not To Watch history… now at the time I typed that, I knew the day would come where a movie would actually be worse than Reflex Action, that day came a lot sooner than I expected when I checked out Hammer Down on Amazon Prime.

• Opening Credits: There’s so much bad to cover in this one, but I may as well start with the opening credits. The font they used was incredibly difficult to read. Not that anyone deserves credit for this film, they instead should be blamed for this movie.
• The Poster: Two quotes on this poster that can certainly be misconstrued… “When the crime goes down, Hammer goes down.” and “He nails the bad guys”.  At best it makes it seem like there is a character in the movie named Hammer and there isn’t. At worst it sounds like this Hammer character that doesn’t exist is really into criminals.

• Our Heroes: Johnny Marks is the young cop pictured above. I believe he is a cop about as much as I believed that Judge Freakin’ Reinhold was a special forces guy in Project: Human Weapon. His partner is veteran cop Eddie Van Owen, he does work in the Hammer Down line, but he also touches a bloody hook at the crime scene. Quality detective work Van Owen.

• Music Video: The useless detectives are investigating the murder of a dancer who was working in a music video shoot. The sleazy producer and his fat friend Yo-Yo are prime suspects. Ok… I need a break from talking about this piece of garbage and you can probably use a break from reading about it, so here’s a Yo-Yo themed music video…

And we’re back… Hammer Down had a 1 star rating on Amazon Prime only because you can’t go lower than a 1 star I would imagine. Bad acting (the guy who plays Johnny Marks is garbage), bad story (the police work in this movie is completely unrealistic, there’s a gang war sub plot that serves no real purpose other than dragging out the weak storyline) and worst of all bad action (some of the fakest shootouts ever put on film).

Here’s a few more examples of why this movie should not be watched…

• Purple Rain: There’s a Purple Rain poster that’s quite visible in the film. Sadly, Prince on the poster is a better actor than everyone in the film. And I’m pretty sure Prince has never been accused of being a great actor.
• Questionable Quote: If you didn’t get enough innuendo from the poster, Johnny Marks quote of “How come I’m always the back door man?” should meet your quota.
• Bad Friend Award: This one goes to Ramon, with her gang banger ex-boyfriend  Tommy dying in the room, Gina is hit on by Tommy’s boy Ramon making him the recipient of the Bad Friend Award.