What Not To Watch: Time Barbarians
With his hulking physique and his long golden mane, casting Deron McBee as a barbarian in 1991’s Time Barbarians seems like a no-brainer. But as you watch the movie and realize that the inexperienced McBee’s barbarian is also Time Barbarians’ leading man and the guy who is expected to carry the movie, it becomes painfully obvious that a little more thought should have been put into the decision.
- The Ground Work: Deron McBee plays Doran the Barbarian King… one day while out on a hunt a nasty individual named Mandrak terrorizes Doran’s wife Lystra (Joann Ayres) while she and some of the other female members of Doran’s tribe are down by a stream. The result… Mandrak forces himself on Lystra, then kills here and last but not least steals a powerful amulet that Doran left in her care. With the amulet Mandrak and one of his lackeys transport themselves into the future and none too soon as Doran has returned from his hunt to find tragedy waiting for him.
- 50 Minutes Later: After giving Lystra a proper barbarian funeral, Doran is off to see the Wizard. This wizard that Doran seeks (played by Ingrid Vold of Dead End City infamy) originally gave the amulet to Doran’s grandfather and it has been passed down ever since… needless to say Doran is not looking forward to telling the Wizard that he lost the amulet, but to his credit he is willing to face the consequences. The Wizard is not pleased with Doran, but gives him a chance to redeem himself and retrieve the amulet and get his revenge on Mandrak by transporting him to a place known as The Future. The biggest problem with all of this is it takes over 50 minutes for Doran the Barbarian to become a time barbarian as advertised. As an added incentive, the Wizard tells Doran if he fails to return the amulet to her she will curse his entire tribe with a plague.
- Walking in LA: The movie jumps to present day Los Angeles where intrepid reporter Penny Price and her Channel 5 cameraman Brice Porter (Michael Ferrare, Quiet Fire) are covering a story on gang violence when ironically Penny finds herself surrounded by some gang bangers that have every intention of doing her some harm… they rip open Penny’s blouse and that is about the time something fantastic happens… Doran materializes from outta nowhere and comes to Penny’s rescue and Brice captures the whole thing on his camera. A curious and grateful Penny starts to quiz Doran about who he is, where he is from and why he is in Los Angeles. Penny takes a liking to Doran, she even takes him shopping so he isn’t walking around L.A. in a loincloth. The two become very well acquainted back at Penny’s place when Doran realizes how much Penny looks like his late wife Lystra… and for good reason both characters were played by Joann Ayres.
- History Repeats Itself: Mandrak also happens to be in present day Los Angeles and he is drinking at a dive bar when he sees his old nemesis Doran on the Channel 5 news. Mandrak freaks out realizing that Doran has come to Los Angeles looking for revenge so he comes up with a plan to get to Doran first… and he gets to him by kidnapping Penny and using her as bait and setting the table for our final showdown between Doran and Mandrak!
There was a time where I asked the question, To McBee or Not To McBee in regards to Deron McBee’s other 1991 movie, The Killing Zone. Compared to Time Barbarians, The Killing Zone was an absolute joy to watch. #BackhandedCompliment
Time Barbarians had some potential but the tone of the movie was way too serious… which sounds ridiculous when you take into account this film is in the Troma family… the same folks that brought us cult classics like The Toxic Avenger and Sgt. Kabukiman N.Y.P.D. that blended action with comedy.
Some fish out of water antics with the barbaric Doran in Los Angeles would have made this movie a lot more enjoyable… we probably should have seen Doran clothes shopping with Penny (maybe a fashion montage??). The movie could have used a little more time to build up the relationship between Doran and Penny too. Of course it was probably really tough to work that type of comedic stuff or relationship development into the movie when it already wasted the first fifty minutes fiddle fucking in the forest.
I am not going to fiddle fuck around anymore with this review, lets get to the Bonus Bullet Points…
- Familiar Face: Cogs, the station manager at Channel 5, was played by Jeffrey Culver. I recognized Culver from his work as the elder security guard in 1988’s Hobgoblins where he used sentence fragments and just phrases.
- Dick Joke Quote: “Your swords match your manhood.” – Doran to the gang bangers after they whip out some switch blades.
- Directorial Debut: Time Barbarians was the first film directed by Joseph John Barmettler.
- Nudity Report: Time Barbarians does have its fair share of bare breasts and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake levels of side ass from Deron McBee.
