Bullet Points: Hatchet III
The slasher sub-genre has been around since the 70’s when John Carpenter was scaring the pants off of people with his slow-moving, knife-wielding, un-killable badass Michael Myers. Most of the films that have followed have taken a similar approach; each moving slightly different (can’t wait for the moonwalking killer), carrying different weapons, and becoming even more un-killable. What I love about the Hatchet series is the total embrace of what it is and why you should be watching. It’s a slasher movie with a capital “S”!
- The Slasher sit-up: You probably know what I mean when I call it the “slasher sit-up”. That moment when you think you’ve killed the villain only for him to quietly sit up and look right through you. Well, Victor Crowley has mastered that move and uses it to perfection.
- Continuation: Unlike many other slasher series, the Hatchet movies take place in just a matter of a couple of days. Now, I haven’t seen the latest film in the series yet so I could be proven wrong but the first 3 films all could be watched back-to-back and seen as one long ass movie. But, in case you didn’t see the earlier film, each of the sequels have started with a short few minutes to clear up what happened at the end of the last. How very helpful of you!
- Gettin’ real: You know shit is about to hit the metaphorical fan when your killer grabs a chainsaw the size of a conversion van. You most definitely can’t call his killing methods boring. He uses a massive chainsaw, an AED, and various other impaling weapons in just the first few minutes of the film. Like the last two movies, Hatchet 3 was written by Adam Green but this time it is directed by his buddy BJ McDonnell. The film feels slightly different knowing that it’s someone else behind the camera. I don’t think that McDonnell has quite as much skill back there as Green but it isn’t a total loss.
- Welcome back Marybeth: Danielle Harris returns as the lone survivor of the previous films to continue her string of bad luck in Louisiana. Maybe it’s time for her to move to North Dakota or something? This time, she’s at least found herself in the safe and secure arms of a bunch of police officers. How much good that’ll do her is probably not all that surprising since Victor Crowley isn’t the type to surrender to a handful of deputies.
- Showdown: Kane Hodder, the man behind the Crowley makeup and one of the men who has played Jason Vorhees in the past goes up against Derek Mears in what we all hoped (but kinda knew) wouldn’t end up well. Mears is another actor who has played Jason so it was pretty cool to see the two men lay the beatdown on each other even though neither was wearing the iconic hockey mask.
- Murder Montage: This isn’t your typical movie and Victor Crowley isn’t going to have your typical montage. He doesn’t need to train. He only needs to kill. Hatchet 3 delivers a murderous montage that would be Stallone cringe with excitement and disgust.
- No one is safe: Getting your arms ripped off sucks but it’s made even worse when you’re then suffocated in a mud puddle. By now, you see what these deputies and law enforcement are in for; all out destruction. Victor Crowley is a walking, grunting end of days for anyone in his presence. One character states, “balls are not supposed to be hanging from trees!” And he couldn’t be more right. Crowley takes out the men and women with a vengeance and even the crocodiles know not to get in his way.
The Verdict: I think Hatchet 3 is a really good sequel to the Crowley saga and a movie that took some chances with the way that the Crowley backstory is beginning to fill up. It’s not exactly the most original of stories but I don’t think that is the point. I love that Adam Green favorites like Sid Haig and Perry Shen show up and there are plenty of throwbacks to the films that came before it. Each movie in the series has ramped up the amount of destruction; from dumb tourists, to stupid rednecks, and now inept law enforcement. I guess it’s time for me to finally watch the next film in the series, Victor Crowley.
