What Not To Watch: Ninja Vengeance

It is not hyperbole when I say Ninja Vengeance may be the worst ninja movie in existence, but I’m going to try to point out some of the positives…

• One of a Kind: There are plenty of movies about ninjas seeking vengeance, but how many ninja movies have you seen that a ninja takes on the Ku Klux Klan? Unless you’ve had the misfortune of watching Ninja Vengeance your answer would be “I have seen zero movies where a ninja takes on the KKK.” Do yourself a favor and make sure your answer remains “I have seen zero movies where a ninja takes on the KKK.”

• No Distractions: Have you ever been watching a movie or TV show and an actor appears on the screen and you know you’ve seen them in another movie or TV show but you can’t quite put your finger on it and it starts driving you crazy. So then you are forced to get out your smart phone or your tablet and research what the actor has been in on the IMDb app? Don’t worry you won’t have that problem during Ninja Vengeance, for one you shouldn’t be watching Ninja Vengeance, but the other reason is the vast majority of the cast never acted in anything prior to Ninja Vengeance (which is painfully obvious) and never acted in anything after Ninja Vengeance. One theory I had about this is that actual ninjas saw this movie and the way it disgraced the world of ninjitsu so they silently killed the entire cast after the release of the movie.

Now that I’ve gotten the pleasantries out of the way, let me point out a few of the movies many flaws…

• Our Hero?: Pictured above is our hero Jesse (played by David Lord). Some heroes are larger than life men who can take on armies by themselves and move mack trucks and avoid a barrage of bullets. Some heroes are the every day working class man who manages to do some extraordinary things in extraordinary circumstances… but never is a hero an awkward guy who covers himself in mud to blend into the forest. This guy is beyond underdog. He’s the 200 lb guy in there with Yokozuna on an episode of WWF Superstars in 1993, you can’t get behind him because there’s really no way he could or should win the fight.
• Tools of the Trade: At one point when Jesse gets to his 1 star motel, he dumps out all his cool ninja stuff onto the bed. But that is the first and only time you’ll see any throwing stars in this movie… And would a real ninja have to pack ninja handbooks with him?

• The Action: Action movies are not known for their award winning actors, so you could probably let it slide that nobody in this film had a great deal of acting ability IF they delivered some quality action along with their wooden lines of dialogue. There are a ton of movies starring legit martial artists and kickboxers who had zero acting background, but they looked good and they could deliver realistic looking, action packed fights. Ninja Vengeance can’t deliver anything. The action in this film is low impact at best.
• The Love Story: Often the weak point of any action film is the often forced and contrived love story the hero finds himself in. Ninja Vengeance sticks with that tradition and throws in one of the most unappealing “damsels’ in the history of film to show they can go lower than the bar.

Ninja Vengeance is definitely Hammer Down level of bad… in fact it may actually be worse.