Bullet Points: The Minion

There are not many things in this world that give me as much joy as the thought of some naive grandmother wanting to watch a fun animated movie with her grandchildren only to see Dolph Lundgren punching people to death. When Dreamworks decided to name a movie Minions, this very scenario must have happened countless times with the 1998 film The Minion. What also happened is that countless youngsters probably became Dolph Lundgren fans because who wouldn’t rather see Dolph save the world compared to whatever the characters in Minions are supposed to be? Luckily for you, I happen to have some Bullet Points for the original minion film, the aptly titled The Minion, in case your grandmother is not available.

• Hot in the City – The Minion opens in New York City on December 22 with record high temperatures. The high temps are not unique to the Big Apple but all over the globe cities are experiencing unusually warm temperatures. While it might have something to do with the plot, it is more likely that the stock footage of New York was from the summer and it makes it easier to explain why people are walking around in shorts in NYC in December and all the leaves are still on the trees. Two quintessential New Yorkers are working on a subway tunnel when they literally fall into a remarkable archaeological find. Enter city archaeologists Karen Goodleaf (Françoise Robertson, The Tracker) and she discovers the relics found are related to the Knights Templar. The Knight Templar catch wind of the discovery and enter Knights Templar priest/investigator Lukas Sadorov (Dolph Lundgren, Pentathlon).

• Run the Gauntlet – If having Dolph Lundgren as an ass kicking Knight Templar is not enough, The Minion doubles down by giving Sadorov a spiked gauntlet that he uses to punch his foes to death. It is easily the deadliest gauntlet action this side of Thanos (and this is coming from a fan of Witchblade). The site found by Goodleaf was a burial ground to hide a key that opens up a prison that only has one prisoner. That prisoner happens to be the Antichrist, so it is kinda important to keep the key away from the prison. The Knights buried the key in New York with the prison located in Jerusalem. There are demons that take possession of humans in order to get the key and these acolytes of the Antichrist are called minions. The minions can enter another person through the eyes, hence Sadorov wanted to punch them in the face.

• Key Detail – The key can not be destroyed, which is why the Knight Templar have been hiding it for centuries. Now with the key in possession of Sadorov, Goodleaf concocts a plan to hide the key in an inhospitable place. Goodleaf just so happened to grow up on an Native American reservation that has been turned into a radioactive waste dumping ground. That’s right, the religious based action movie just added a social and ecological story line and that is exactly why Dolph Lundgren deserves to be celebrated. Let me say it again, The Minion takes the fighting to a toxic waste dump. If you ever wanted to see Dolph Lundgren fight while wearing a contamination suit than The Minion is for you. The minion eventually gets its hands on the key and takes it back to Jerusalem which leads to an epic final showdown between good and evil. I won’t spoil the ending, but Dolph wouldn’t be in a movie where he loses to the devil. Would he?

The Minion is an amazingly strange story about religion, toxic waste, a killer gauntlet and  the end of the world (which was kind of popular bake then takes to the new millennium which plays a role in The Minion). Somehow it all comes together and makes for an entertaining action movie. Dolph Lundgren is suited for a role that requires a stoic demeanor and less dialogue, but still gives him a chance to kick ass. If you are looking for a Dolph action movie around the new year you can do much worse than The Minion. A Bullet Points can end much worse, like if it didn’t have any Bonus Bullet Points. I wouldn’t do that to you… unless the devil made me do it.

• Also Known As – The minion is known in Goodleaf’s Native American lore as the wendigo.
• If You Ever… – Wanted to see Dolph Lundgren roundhouse kick a female cop in the face after getting bitch slapped then The Minion is for you.
• Misfortune – The minion takes control of David Schulman in order to try to get the key, but the sad thing is that the character with a boring name was played by Roc LaFortune. Now that is a strong name.
• Superior Minions – I have never seen the movie Minions, and unless that movie has a scene with a minion getting a hold of automatic weapons like the minion in The Minion I probably never will see it.
• Also Known As – You might find The Minion as Fallen Knight or Knight of the Apocalypse.