What Not To Watch: Equal Impact
Movies like 1991’s Double Impact and 1992’s Twin Dragons used movie making magic to give us identical twins of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Jackie Chan respectively.
1995’s Equal Impact did not need movie magic to produce identical twins. The stars of Equal Impact, Jay Gates and Joe Gates, are actual twin brothers. However 1995’s Equal Impact could have used some movie magic in other areas…
- Keyword: Before I get into the movie itself, I think it is important to examine the title. When the producers of the film found “The Taekwondo Twins” Jay and Joe Gates, I imagine they had to have visions of making their own Double Impact BUT not having to spend any of their limited budget on visual effects. However when naming their movie, instead of borrowing the word “Double” (a word that would convey the twin angle), they chose the word “Impact” and then they slapped the word Equal in front of it. What the hell does “Equal Impact” even mean?
- Dave’s World: Joe Gates plays martial arts champion Dave Conner. As the opening credits roll we see the finals of a tournament where Dave defeats his opponent Bobby Souk (Krist Geriene). Souk does not agree with the referee’s call and after the show tries to have an unofficial rematch with Dave in the parking lot… nothing comes of it with Dave blowing off Bobby and going home. Things get worse for Bobby, when his girlfriend Alison, tire of Bobby’s asshole ways, ditches him and opts to go out with some friends who were in attendance for the tournament.
- Asshole Magnet: Alison and her friends end up at a local watering hole, where she witnesses an asshole tough guy threatening to beat the crap out of some preppy dude that just beat him in a game of billiards. The tough guy then turns his attention to Josh Conner (Jay Gates) who has bellied up to the bar for a beer. If there is one kind thing I can say about Equal Impact it is that they observed the action movie rule that if your hero enters a bar, he can not leave the bar until he is involved in a bar fight. Josh doesn’t want to fight the guy mind you… but after getting his ass whooped, Josh nails the tough guy with one flying kick and that’s all she wrote!
- Mistaken Identity: After the bar fight, Josh steps outside to cool off and Alison runs out after him to A) see how he is doing and B) ask why a martial arts champion like “Dave Conner” would let some bar bully get the better of him… that’s when Josh Conner introduces himself to Alison and reveals that Dave is his twin brother. Equal Impact officially has the lamest twin reveal ever.
- Star Power: I know what could help Equal Impact… some star power! Instead we get Joe Estevez (Memorial Day) as crime boss, Donald Moss. Let me just say that trying to dress up Joe Estevez as a crime boss is like putting lipstick on a pig. The draw string pants/sport coat combo earns Moss the award of Worst Dressed Crime Boss. But bad fashion sense isn’t Moss’ only problem. Moss has plans to make a fortune by unloading counterfeit money to the highest bidder, but Barman, the guy that Moss has hired to produce the counterfeit bills, is not moving fast enough for Moss’ liking.
- From Heroes to Zeroes: Moss sends his henchmen to track down Barman one night. The henchman find Barman in a dark alley near Josh Conner’s taekwondo school. Josh hears some noise outside and when he goes out to investigate he sees Barman stuck between a rock and a hard place as he is staring down the barrel of a gun… Josh intercedes and stands between Barman and the gunman trying to reason with him. This is about the time Dave Conner shows up… spots his brother in trouble and makes quite a splash with a flying kick to the gunman’s head… unfortunately the gunman squeezes the trigger and Barman ends up with a bullet in his head. The baddies scramble, Josh says they need to call the cops but Dave shoots down that idea for unknown reasons. Josh then goes through Barman’s pockets and finds a stack of counterfeit bills and takes it and is then completely on board with not getting the cops involved, even after Dave thinks the better of it. What kind of heroes are these!?!?!
- Short Stack: That one stack of money is the spark for the rest of the film… Moss desperately wants the short stack back because he stands to make
millionstens of thousands of dollars. Moss sends his number one man Bobby Souk (yep, the asshole from the beginning of the film works for Moss) to retrieve it… and Bobby takes great delight in doing so especially when he finds that his rival Dave Conner is involved. When Dave gets kidnapped over the missing money, Josh acts like he has absolutely no idea why the bad guys would kidnap Dave. In Josh’s defense, one short stack of counterfeit bills does seem like it would be rather trivial to a criminal empire.
This would be the perfect place to say that despite a bad script being acted out by acting novices, Equal Impact did provide some quality fighting action. While that statement is true, there’s something to be said about actually giving a damn about the participants in the fights. I can’t say that I gave a damn about any of the characters by the end of the movie, nor did any of them give me a reason to care.
I care about the readers of Bulletproof Action, which is a good reason to share some Bonus Bullet Points…
- Familiar Cherub Face: Robert Z’Dar (Young Rebels) plays Ray Tobin, an old friend of the Conner Brothers and a guy who may or may not be a vigilante for hire for the police department.
- Isn’t It Ironic: There are a few user reviews on IMDb that really talk up Equal Impact. These reviews brag about how real the movie is, stating that Joe and Jay Gates are real twins and real taekwondo masters. Then they give Equal Impact a score of 10, putting it in the neighborhood of something like The Godfather Part II… which doesn’t seem too real to me.
- End Credits: The song selection for the end credits is questionable… I have a feeling one of the decision makers really liked the Goo Goo Dolls back in 1995.
