Bullet Points: The Lawless Land

We have all seen countless Die Hard clones, but I don’t think that is the most copied story in film. We have to go way back to the Bard. One of William Shakespeare’s most famous works is Romeo and Juilet and it has had countless retelling and adaptations. I thought I’ve had my fill of them, especially when I like to watch action movies, until I came across a post-apocalyptic Romeo and Juliet, better known as The Lawless Land. Will this 1988 movie have a happier ending (400 year spoiler alert) than Romeo and Juliet? Luckily for you, I happen to have some Bullet Points for The Lawless Land.

• Much Ado About Nothing – Jsu Garcia (credited as Nick Corri) stars as Falco, a heavy equipment operator in the southern continent after the collapse. What does that mean? We will have to find out because those are the first major words heard in The Lawless Land via voiceover. It appears there was some sort of disaster (man-made or natural, who knows?) and now there are two major classes with Falco in the lower class. Amanda Peterson plays Diana, the daughter of the top dog of the high class in Union City only known as The Chairman. Will Falco and Diana be a thing? I think so, otherwise I don’t know why I brought up Romeo and Juliet. I was right! Falco and Diana are secretly dating!
• Love’s Labour’s Lost – The young pair’s romance quickly gets found out by The Chairman’s butler. Whoever said “the butler did it” knew what they were talking about. And fitting for star crossed lovers, their love gets discovered the same day of their illegal marriage. Well, not illegal in the eyes of God. And what a strange wedding scene with The Chairman’s security heading to the church intercut with the ceremony all with very dramatic music playing. I like it. Falco and Diana are on the run! Except it didn’t last long as they split up with Falco getting arrested and thrown in jail and Diana on the loose.

• The Taming of the Shrew – For those of you wanting to know if they still strip down prisoners and line them up cheek to cheek to cleanse and for all to see in the future the answer is yes. The rest of prison is very different. More of torture place to get people to talk and much less organization. They have pinball though. The Chairman hires Road Kill (Leon) to track down Diana. Leon just showed up! The Lawless Land just got 73% cooler. Road Kill performs the slowest and quietest eye gouging scene you will ever see. It is also the last thing Falco’s grandfather will ever see because he was the victim, but damn did he take it like a champ. We get a quick flashback that kind of explains (and by kind of I mean not at all) a connection between Falco and a pet bird. Somehow it allows Falco to fake his death and escape from prison. Falco is on the run again!
• The Merchant of Venice – Falco hitches a ride with EZ Andy (Xander Berkeley) who in his own words is a salesman traveling the lawless land (DING!) which is a fancy way to say he sells illegal guns. EZ gives Falco the hookup for a bike shop and a badass hero (slight hyperbole) needs a badass motorcycle (no hyperbole) like the 1949 Indian he purchases. Falco is also able to purchase an old timey pistol, perfect for an old bike. Also, I think EZ might have an important role by the end of The Lawless Land, but that is just a hunch. 

• The Two Gentlemen of Verona – Road Kill has been tracking Falco in order to get to Diana. Falco and Road Kill finally meet in a topless bar with some unexpected violence. Falco is captured only for him to escape by everyone thinking he was dead again. We are finally going to get the Falco Road Kill finale, but this time it features Falco in face paint! And holy crap, EZ is back also and he has face paint! The final fight also happens in the topless bar and shootout in the massage/brothel backroom of a topless bar is not where I saw The Lawless Land going. Many of the girls kept working, but I guess that’s why they are known as pros.

The Lawless Land is a unique take on a familiar story. Does it live up to the writing of William Shakespeare? Hell no. That is a dumb question, but still no slight on The Lawless Land it is just I hold Shakespeare in high esteem, but I will let you know I enjoyed parts of The Lawless Land. What about the ending? I will leave it up to you to find out if it is as tragic as Romeo and Juliet, but the ending of these Bullet Points are no tragedy as I have some The Lawless Land Bonus Bullet Points.

• If You Ever… – Wanted to see Amanda Peterson creepily play her little Casio keyboard for some suits than The Lawless Land is for you.
• Creepy x 2 – The Casio keyboarding was not as creepy as the gas station attendant who had her young son ride on the back of Falco’s motorcycle to show him how to get to town and Falco inviting the boy to stay in his hotel room for the night.
• Familiar Face – Well, familiar for Amanda Peterson as her older sister Ann-Marie Peterson plays a mute love interest for EZ. As an aside, it is a shame what happened to the talented Amanda Peterson. My suggestion for today is to stay away from drugs.
• A Little Question – Was there a reason the rowdy topless bar had two little persons as bartenders?
• Southern Continent – Besides the opening voiceover there is no mention of where The Lawless Land is supposed to be but it was filmed in Chile and features both English and Spanish.
• My First Thought Also Quote – Whenever I see someone driving erratically I think the same thing Road Kill does: “probably just playing with himself.”
• If You Ever… – Wanted to see Jsu Garcia get tortured by having electrodes placed on his nipples than The Lawless Land is for you.