Bullet Points: Vikingdom

Studio Exec: Hey, do like that show on The History Channel called Vikings? Well what about HBO’s Game of Thrones? And Marvel’s Thor is pretty cool too, right? Great, well we have a treat for you. We just sent some of our best actors and actresses out to Malaysia to make a Viking film called Vikingdom! It’ll have legendary Norse Thunder God Thor in it. It’ll have a sexy lady Viking hanging out with our heroes and guess what else it will have…Vikings! Tell your friends to watch it on Netflix cause they will absolutely love it!

Me: I guess I’ll give it a try. I do like all of those things and Dominic Purcell was in a couple of movies that I liked. But if it sucks, I’m gonna send Sonny Landham after you.

Studio Exec: Sounds great!

The Gist: A former King who was brought back from the dead by a Goddess, Eirick, is tasked with raising an army and fighting against the thunder God Thor.

The Cast: Dominic Purcell has a massive head. I don’t mean that he has a huge ego or anything; I mean his melon is gargantuan. He does a fine enough job as our hero unless you expect your hero to display more than two emotions. Most of his lines are delivered with the enthusiasm of a man walking into his own execution chamber. That or he takes entirely too much Valium. John Foo adds some diversity and spinning kicks while the beautiful Natassia Malthe brings the eye candy. Eirick’s right hand man is played by Craig Fairbrass who you may recognize from the Stallone classic Cliffhanger. It was a little strange that none of the actors are Norwegian or anything. I guess British and Australian actors already play Greek and Roman so why not add Vikings to the list.

I’m pretty sure they would have frozen to death in under an hour.

The Villain: This Thor makes Chris Hemsworth look like a schoolyard bitch. He doesn’t waste time wooing Natalie Portman or brushing his hair. This Thor is all about opening up the gates of Heaven and Hell for some purpose that I really don’t remember. I guess he just wanted to see the world get all messed up. He definitely wears the most ridiculous wig/fake beard that I’ve seen in a while. In fact, this movie really raided the “shitty wig store” before they started filming. It says that the film was made in Malaysia which makes sense because it seems to have been filmed entirely in front of a green screen.

Fire Crotch Thor!

The Action: There are some fun sword fights which take up roughly half of the movie. It’s hard to say which my favorite was as they all kind of blended together. The movie was pretty much one long quest to get object after object before finally facing off with Thor and not actually using any of the objects. I’m sorry to say that this was the third movie I’ve watched in a row where the woman attempts to take one for her man. Why are all of these heroes letting their ladies do their fighting? I would have enjoyed the action scenes more if not for the CGI blood, CGI snow, and CGI back grounds. I think the only thing real on set was the real lack of talent.

I actually did enjoy some of the fight scenes but it was hard for me to get over them running around without shirts on in that weather.

Take it Home:

• The Mountain: Conan Stevens was the man who played Thor. He also played The Mountain in the first season of Game of Thrones.
• Flaunt it if you got it: Natassia Malthe wears a minimal amount of clothing no matter the weather; cutting through the waves on her longboat, standing amidst a flurry of snow, or waste deep in water, but she still wears the leather bra that brought her to the game.
• Sports Entertainment: You could tell some of these dudes were Pro Wrestlers. Before the final showdown Thor and Eirick both pop their shirts off. Then Eirick lays in a pretty nice triangle choke before Thor powerbombs his ass.
• Favorite quote: “Everybody has a story to tell about their lives. My story began the day I died.” Although we do find out that tons of interesting stuff happened before that day.

Rating: 2.5/5

OH SHIT!