Bullet Points: Alley Cat
1984’s Alley Cat was an easy sell for me. Female martial artist delivers some vigilante justice to a street gang?!
Clicking play on a movie with that synopsis was a no brainer…
- Enter the Tiger: The movie starts off with Billie Clark (Karin Mani) receiving a call in the middle of the night from her neighbor alerting Billie to the fact that a couple of guys were outside trying to steal her car… Billie goes outside and the would be car thieves laugh her off, what they are about to find out is that Billie is a martial artist and she proceeds to kick their asses… the fight stops when Billie’s grandfather shows up and fires off a few rounds of his gun to scare off the riff raff.
- Push It To The Limit: The two ne’er do wells who couldn’t manage to steal Billie’s car go running back to their boss Phil, who because of the scar on his face, is known as Scarface on the streets. Scarface Phil can not believe his two guys got run off by a girl and an old man, even though the guys mention Billie’s martial arts skills and how she was a real tiger. Scarface Phil, instead of punishing his underlings decides he is going to show them how it is done and promises he’ll turn Billie the Tiger into an alley cat (DING!). But Phil doesn’t go directly after Billie, instead he orchestrates an attack on Billie’s grandparents as they are leaving a convenience store… as a result Billie’s grandfather ends up pretty banged up and Billie’s grandmother ends up clinging to life in a coma.
- Who’s Johnny?: When she hears the news Billie races over to the hospital, where the staff is extremely unhelpful so she decides she’s going to find out what is going on herself and that’s when she bumps into rookie police officer Johnny (Robert Torti, Land of the Free)… well Billie doesn’t exactly bump into him, but the swinging hospital store does, right into Johnny’s nose. But Johnny didn’t just get hit by the door, it is clear that Johnny got by the proverbial thunderbolt. Johnny is in love and wastes little time trying to get to know Billie better.
- Half Assed Vigilante: Despite all that has happened to her family, Billie (who is in training to get her black belt) decides to go for a night jog. Billie’s grandfather does not approve of this decision and convinces her if she is going to go, she needs to take a gun… and it is a good thing that she does, because while she’s jogging Billie happens upon a couple of thugs (who I believe may have been the same two who tried to steal her car earlier) trying to rape a woman (who may or may not have been a prostitute)… Billie once again springs into action, taking out the bad guys and then holding them at gunpoint while the victim calls the cops… the cops who respond to the call are Johnny and his partner Boyle. Much to the dismay of Billie and Johnny, not only are the would be rapists arrested, Boyle also arrests Billie for having a gun, discharging the gun and trespassing in the park at night… I am in no way condoning taking the law into your own hands, but there was a reason Paul Kersey did not involve the police in his work.
- Behind Bars: Johnny ends up bailing Billie out and when she appears before the judge, Johnny’s testimony helps Billie avoid any jail time, but she does have to pay a $500 fine and gets a year’s probation… a few days later when the two guys Billie brought to justice appear before the judge and they only get a $250 fine each after the woman they assaulted magically doesn’t appear to testify (thanks to Scarface Phil), Billie who was in attendance, FLIPS OUT and is arrested for contempt of court after the outburst and telling the judge to shove it up his ass. And suddenly Alley Cat turns into a women behind bars movie for a bit, complete with the required shower scene.
- Johnny On The Spot: Johnny once again comes through for Billie in a major way and manages to get Billie released from prison early… much to the chagrin of Billie’s cellmate who REALLY liked Billie. With Billie out amongst the free once again, there is only one thing left to do and that’s track down Scarface Phil and get some revenge for what he did to her grandparents and as I watched I couldn’t help but hope that she went full vigilante this time around.
You know those movies with scenes that take place in the middle of the jungle or deep in the woods in the dark of night, yet the scene is still relatively well lit considering the only light source in those settings would be the moonlight? Well Alley Cat is not one of those movies.
Almost all of the action scenes in Alley Cat take place at night and they are extremely dark, at least on the copy I streamed. These scenes could have been lit better without any suspension of disbelief since the film is set in Los Angeles, were there are street lights and lights on buildings that could easily explain why the nighttime action was easier to actually see… but the producers may have been more concerned with making sure the scenes with female nudity were well lit and said to hell with the vigilante action. The poor lighting was really my only major complaint and I do wonder if the Vinegar Syndrome Blu-ray release of Alley Cat upgraded the picture quality at all.
If you are wondering if I am going to wrap up this review with some Bonus Bullet Points, wonder no longer…
- And You Thought Beauty Pageants Objectified Women Quote: “She’s the new Miss Blow Job of California. They’re holding nationals next month.” – Scarface Phil
- They’ve Got the Meats: At one point in the movie, Billie, her grandfather and her friend Rose have lunch at an Arby’s. If you are having lunch at Arby’s may I suggest the Crinkle Fries.
- Ranked: Of all the Scarfaces I am familiar with in motion picture history, I would have to rank Al Pacino’s Tony Montana in the #1 spot (obviously), followed by the dude from The Last Mercenary who idolized Tony Montana at #2, then hot on his heels would be Jamie from Eye of the Tiger at #3 and last AND CERTAINLY LEAST, would be Scarface Phil from Alley Cat.
- Fine Art: I could not help but notice the Bruce Lee poster hanging on the wall in Johnny’s bachelor pad.
- Sexually Transmitted Quote: “And you got it too, cause I got the clap!” – The aforementioned Miss Blow Job of California
