Bullet Points: Battledogs (2013)
Chris the Brain has steered me wrong on many occasions but I still love and trust the guy. He mentioned Battledogs to me some time ago and while it took me months to finally sit down and watch it, it’s right on the mark when it comes to the “Chad Cruise type of movies”. When the military gets called in to take down anything (aliens, robots, werewolves, alien robot werewolves?) I am usually game to watch and criticize the hell out of it. Let’s just hope that Battledogs is gentle with me.
Synopsis: A werewolf virus is unleashed upon New York, and Major Hoffman (Craig Sheffer) looks for a cure while Lt. General Monning (Dennis Haysbert) wants to establish a new canine army.
- I hate the airport: It’s already bad enough going to the airport but now we have to worry about being turned into a vicious werewolf! At least that is what happens in the first few minutes of Battledogs. It sure doesn’t waste any time showing us a grown up Ariana Richards (the girl from Jurassic Park) turning into a werewolf and biting a bunch of people. SWAT gets called in and the military are all over it. Before long, they are quarantining folks, forcing them to receive vaccinations, and turning American citizens into illegally detained civilian populations. Sound familiar?
- Starting strong: No matter what you think about Battledogs as a movie you can’t argue with the decision to hire some top of the line people for roles. Within the first few minutes the plot is already going strong and we’ve met our POTUS played by Bill Duke, General Monning who is in charge of the situation on the ground played by Dennis Haysbert, and our infectious disease guy Major Hoffman (played by Craig Sheffer). Not to mentions, veteran badass Wes Studi is a military stooge for General Monning. I love it already!
- The aftermath: After the bloodbath at the airport, Wes Studi and Dennis Haysbert round up all the now-human werewolves (they gased them!) and lock them up in some sort of train station. They discover all sorts of interesting stuff like how a raised pulse rate can lead to them turning into werewolves and then they go about causing a few of them to get amped up before killing them. It’s also when we learn that General Monning is looking to turn this to his favor by creating some sort of super soldier and running shit on the battlefield for years to come. It’s the classic military general overreach bullshit that we know and love from movies like this. If there was some sort of crooked pharma or big tech company on board with it then it would feel as cozy as a pair of old socks.
- Not so cozy: While everything about this movie rings familiar, what doesn’t is the relationship between Craig Sheffer’s Maj. Hoffman and General Monning. It’s clear they have history that goes way back and that neither of them trust one another. It goes even further from distrust to outright hate when Monning is attempting to kill Maj. Hoffman to keep him from interfering in his plans. It’s all rather stupid but at least we get more screen time with Wes Studi and no movie has ever been made worse by having more Wes Studi. We also get our first chance to meet the airport security director played by legend Ernie Hudson. Someone get this casting director a bottle of whiskey!
- Out of hand: As you might expect, things start to get out of hand and the werewolves are unleashed on the wonderful island of Manhattan. Speaking of which, did you know that the only NYC borough that isn’t an island is the Bronx? It’s true! I got that question on Trivial Pursuit recently. Did you also know that Dennis Haysbert will go to great lengths to get werewolves as a weapon of war without so much as a plan to use them or weaponize them for the very government that he works for. What a stupid-ass plan….
- Antidote: While they are trying to come up with ways to stop the werewolves from spreading throughout the city, they’re also attempting to come up with some sort of cure. Not so much to help those that have the virus but to also use it as some sort of weapon. None of it really makes that much sense but you can believe me when I say that no matter how dumb it all sounds, at least it’s being said by Dennis Haysbert. He and Maj. Hoffman continue to butt heads and trade gunfire. Hoffman even goes so far as to use some secret grenade skills he must have learned along the way. Whether he learned them before his infectious disease training or not I don’t know, but it had to have been sometime before he learned to become a crackshot with various weapons and to fly a military plane.
- Heavy is the head: President Bill Duke is forced to make tough decisions and then we’re left with a race against time. No one really seems to understand the weight of the decision to bomb the shit out of Manhattan Island but, who cares, it probably won’t happen anyway! Sheffer’s Major Hoffman is on this shit and he is filled to the brim with skills that can stop any and all problems. In the end, a battle amongst military contemporaries and werewolves gives us one last chance at some action and one near look at Craig Sheffer’s junk. If you’ve made it this far you’re probably expecting a happy ending but not even G.I. Joe Major Hoffman can walk away from this one totally content. He’ll have to make due with his second choice in the good doctor Kate Vernon. Most of our favorites have died and I think a few popular shopping destinations where blown up when that bomb dropped but at least we won’t have to deal with the North Korean’s getting their hands on the blasted werewolf super soldiers!
The Verdict: There is no doubt about it that Battledogs is one of those TV movies that you normally see on SyFy or scrolling through the stations late at night. Everything about it screams schlock including the story, action, CGI, and much of the dialogue. What you wouldn’t expect, however, is to be pretty entertained by the ridiculousness of the film and intrigued by the amount of awesome “stars” brought in to make it so. Where else can you see Craig Sheffer, Dennis Haysbert, Bill Duke, Ernie Hudson, Wes Studi, and that little girl from Jurassic Park all in one movie? As things go in these types of movies, it isn’t very good but I’ve certainly seen worse. To be honest, there isn’t much time wasted in Battledogs so a majority of the film is Dennis Haysbert yelling military commands and Bill Duke acting like the President. You can’t go wrong with either of those things, folks. I think that while this one won’t win any awards anytime soon, it’s a perfectly adequate movie even though I almost saw Craig Sheffer’s penis.
