What If Cannon Made a G.I. Joe Movie? (Part 2)

Last year I played a little game of What If… the scenario was What If instead of the Masters of the Universe movie, The Cannon Group produced a live action G.I. Joe movie in 1987. I did have some ground rules to make sure this imaginary scenario was at least rooted in some form of reality as the cast (with one major exception) was made up of actors that actually did work for Cannon over the years.

The post, which you can read by clicking here, was one of our most popular posts of 2021 and that success got me to thinking, in true Cannon fashion, that we needed a sequel!

So now the imaginary scenario is expanding… The Cannon produced G.I. Joe movie in 1987 was a huge financial success, so Menahem Golan and Yoram Globus showed up at Cannes in May of 1988 with news of G.I. Joe Part II with everyone from the original film reprising their roles and the addition of even more characters to make the sequel an even bigger epic of action cinema…

• David Bradley as Lt. Falcon – Taking a piece of the plot from the actual animated G.I. Joe: The Movie, the less disciplined Lt. Falcon follows in the footsteps of his straight laced brother Duke and becomes a member of G.I. Joe… much like David Bradley followed in the footsteps of Michael Dudikoff to become Cannon’s American Ninja! So if Dudi is Duke, it stands to reason that David Bradley would play Lt. Falcon.

• Louis Gossett Jr. as Doc – As one of the most respected members of the G.I. Joe team, Doc needed to be played by someone who could play the part with gravitas and Louis Gossett Jr. brings plenty of that to the table. Louis Gossett Jr. would also have the opportunity to reunite with his Firewalker co-star Chuck Norris (who is Recondo for those of you who may not remember or didn’t click the link to last year’s post). I always felt like Lou’s character in the Iron Eagle series, Chappy Sinclair, should have been an honorary G.I. Joe member… Lou getting to be in G.I. Joe Part II would be the next best thing.

• Mark Dacascos as Quick Kick – Mark Dacascos’ first major film role came in 1992’s American Samurai… in this scenario Mark’s big break would come a few years earlier as he would bring the role of the Joe’s martial arts expert, Quick Kick, to life with his own real life martial arts experience and skills.

• Jeff Celentano as Wild Bill – I almost included Jeff Celentano (or Jeff Westen as he was also known) in my post last year, but it almost felt like cheating since Jeff played a character named Wild Bill in one of my all-time favorite Cannon films, American Ninja 2. But I will go for the low hanging fruit this year and plug Jeff, who looks the part and already had the name once, into the role of G.I. Joe’s helicopter pilot from Brady, Texas!

• Don Shanks as Spirit – Here is some low hanging fruit that completely slipped my mind last year, but then I re-watched Revenge of the Ninja recently and saw Don Shanks as Chief, one of the henchmen for mob boss Don Caifano. Don Shanks, of legit Cherokee and Illini descent, is the perfect choice to play Spirit and would likely have been the first person cast if these movies actually happened. I am ashamed I didn’t think of this one last year, but happy to have Don join the cast for Part II.

I teased a sequel in last year’s post with Dolph Lundgren emerging as Serpentor in the post credits scene… for those of you familiar with G.I. Joe, the introduction of Serpentor caused turmoil in the Cobra hierarchy and made Cobra Commander the odd man out… this scenario will play out in the sequel with Cobra Commander (John P. Ryan) turning to the one man associated with Cobra he feels he can trust, Zartan (Billy Drago). Zartan will provide Cobra Commander with his own private army to disrupt the ongoing Cobra/G.I. Joe conflict in the form of The Dreadnoks…

• Jean-Claude Van Damme as Thrasher – Who better to play Thrasher, the Brussels, Belgium born member of The Dreadnoks than the Muscles from Brussels himself, Jean-Claude Van Damme! Van Damme has Cannon to thank for his star making performance in Bloodsport. The Van Damme/Cannon relationship continued with Cyborg and Cannon also distributed another early Van Damme hit, Kickboxer. As Thrasher, Van Damme will get to tear it up in the Mad Max like Thunder Machine and since this is JCVD we are talking about, Thrasher will have a little behind Zartan’s back romance going on with Zartan’s beautiful sister, Zarana…

• Eva LaRue as Zarana – Eva LaRue’s first film was the Cannon produced The Barbarians and I could totally see her pulling off the pink hair look, not that I’ve fantasized about Eva LaRue with pink hair or anything. But with that said, LaRue would add a little more sex appeal to the sequel and as she proved in The Barbarians, she’s not afraid of getting in on the action!

• Donald Gibb as Torch – Bloodsport‘s Van Damme and Gibb together again but this time as Dreadnoks!?!? You better believe it… does anyone in the Cannon world look more like a guy that would be in a militarized biker gang than Donald Gibb!? That’s a rhetorical question but the answer is no. The Cannon props department can even repurpose Robert Ginty’s flamethrower from Exterminator 2.

• Gavan O’Herlihy as Ripper – Gavan proved he’s not afraid to have a stupid haircut in the Cannon masterpiece known as Death Wish 3, but in G.I. Joe Part II, Gavan could dump the reverse mohawk and go for the more traditional mohawk as Ripper.

• Bill Johnson as Buzzer – The name Bill Johnson may not jump off the page, but if you need a Dreadnok that is handy with a chainsaw then the obvious place to look is to the guy that played Leatherface in Cannon’s The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2.

• Bolo Yeung as Big Boa – Not all the new characters on The Enemy side will be Dreadnoks… there’s another big addition to the Cobra ranks, and I mean that literally as Bolo Yeung and his massive pecs will play the masked Big Boa… the man responsible for keeping Cobra’s army in peak physical condition… and could you imagine a Bolo’s Big Boa vs. Steve James’ Roadblock fight?!?!