Bullet Points: Gunmen
I have always been a fan of Christopher Lambert. Through thick and thin, good movies and bad movies, no matter how many Beowulf films he makes I’ll still be rooting for the guy to get his big paycheck and you can believe that I’ll be writing his name on our Bulletproof Action Hall of Fame ballot for 2015. That doesn’t mean that I think he’s up there with the pioneers of action (Bronson, Stallone) or the new blood (Adkins, MJ White) but he fits somewhere in between and he’s continuously the best thing about each of his movies.
The Gist: A $400 million drug fortune was stolen from evil bad guy Peter Loomis (Patrick Stewart) and hidden on a boat in an undisclosed location in South America. Loomis sicks his dog Armor O’Malley (Denis Leary) after the culprit but the man is killed before the whereabouts of the money can be found. Dani (Christopher Lambert) is busted out of a prison by Cole Parker (Mario Van Peebles), who is a bounty hunter working for the DEA to bust Loomis. Dani’s brother stole the money and told him where to find it but Cole knows the name of the boat so the two must team up to avoid capture and find the money before O’Malley finds them first.
The Cast: I am a big fan of the casting for this movie. I have a soft spot in my heart for Christopher Lambert after watching Highlander about 300 times as a kid and I really felt that he and MVP had great chemistry together. They would work together again later that year on Highlander 3: The Final Dimension so the two obviously were able to become close and I think they have a pretty good playful one-upmanship about them in the film. Lambert also had a great laugh in his early days and the opening scene with him catching a fly in his mouth before spitting it out was a taste of the type of humor that was present throughout the film. The one area that surprised me was that there was no love interest for any of our main characters. Even though they were on the run for the duration of the film they still usually find some random chick to throw into the mix. Not so here and I think it makes for a better pace and a better movie in general.
These are like two really dirty senior portraits.
The Villain: Patrick “Professor X Picard” Stewart plays the evil wheelchair bound drug baron Peter Loomis but it’s his right hand man Armor O’Malley (who came up with that name) who steals the show for the bad guys. At one point they tie a man by his feet to a helicopter and then slowly dip him into a river. Although that is a very cool way to torture someone, the logistics of it are pretty remarkable. It’s hard enough to get a rope wrapped around the feet of someone attached to a chopper but then you have to hover over the water just high enough for it to be effective. Let’s not even discuss wind patterns in South America! Basically what I’m saying is, despite having the most ridiculous name ever for a villain, Armor O’Malley takes great pride in the way that he tortures people. He even buries some poor chap alive. Cold Blooded!
Professor X before he started his school.
The Action: The highlight of the action for me was when Christopher Lambert’s character jumped from a moving helicopter into the jungle canopy. It reminded me of the Rambo jump from First Blood and what made it even better was afterwards when he asked the other character, “Hey, did you see my jump? Pretty good, huh?” It was almost as if he was reminding the audience and not Mario Van Peebles that yes that was a pretty cool stunt. Most of the film consists of the two main stars being chased around by the bad guys but there is still room for a couple of gun battles in there. I did notice several times that the UZI that Mario Van Peebles was shooting sounded nothing like a sub machine gun and much more like an AK-47. I guess that’s a small nitpick but damn it, I’m a serious writer!
It takes a “special” type of person to laugh with the barrel of a gun in his mouth.
Take it Home:
- Favorite Quote: As Loomis buries his wife alive he asks, “Do you think I’m overreacting?”
- Hip Hop: The opening credits had some sort of rap/hip hop music playing during it. It was confusing to say the least.
- Bear Grylls diet: Lambert is seen multiple times eating bugs. Don’t ask me why but these are the little meaningless character traits that I love in action movies.
- Almost a your momma joke: Mario says to Christopher, “Man, you talk more shit than a radio.” That sounded like a really bad joke that I would have told in third grade.
- The Dead Man: I know Wrestlemania Week is over now but with all of these people getting buried alive, somebody call the Undertaker!
Rating: 3.25/5
