Bullet Points: The Beastmaster
If you are old enough to remember the 1980’s sword and sorcery movement then you have most likely watched The Beastmaster. Or it may be that you have had cable television over the past 15 years and noticed that TBS regularly plays The Beastmaster in the wee hours of the night. No matter your history with the film, a simple reviewing of the film will most likely lead you to the same conclusion that led me to; The Beastmaster is an absolute 80’s masterpiece!
- Synopsis: In an ancient world, a ruthless and evil sorcerer has taken control of a land from the king and a newborn heir to the King has narrowly escaped death at the hands of the Sorcerer’s minions. Now fully grown, the man known as Dar seeks to gain vengeance after a marauding horde destroys his adopted village. Dar will use his uncanny ability to control animals to defeat the evil cult leader and take back the land.
- 80s Gold: There is a charm to this movie that you don’t see much anymore. None of the actors were big stars and you can tell that the sets and costumes were great but the music is awesome and a couple of montages really help this film along.
- My Friends: Thank goodness for the animals. If not for the animal gimmick Dar would not only have died in the first 20 minutes but the movie would have just been another Conan ripoff.
- Note to Self: The Panther seen in the movie is actually just a tiger with a shitload of black paint on it. Now you could be saying to yourself, “why didn’t they just call it a tiger instead of a panther?” That is a damn good question. Sadly, the tiger used in the film died not long after it was completed due to some potential issues with the paint used. Whoops….
- You Ain’t Nothin’ but a Horndog: After Dar gets a sneak peek at Tanya Roberts’ character Kiri bathing in a river, the movie turns from a tale of revenge to Dar’s quest to get some poontang. Every single decision from that point onwards is made in the hope that Kiri will “give it up” to him. I can appreciate his perseverance.
- Wrestlemania Moment: During the climactic battle Dar dropkicks a flaming guy into a tar pit causing a rad explosion.
- Rip Torn is a Crazy Person: Legitimate crazy person Rip Torn plays the evil sorcerer. I’m curious whether or not Torn was given direction on how to deliver his lines because I just imagine that he did them naturally and it came out the way it did. they may have even needed him to tone down his lunacy.
- Birthing Plan: I’m pretty sure having your unborn fetus ripped from your stomach (using magic of course) and placed into a cow was not part of the Queen’s birthing plan.
- The Verdict: If you like super fun 80s movies where you don’t have to hurt your brain by thinking then you should enjoy this film. Don’t go all “Rip Torn crazy” and watch the sequels though because they are nowhere near as good.
