Bullet Points: Hell Squad (1985)

Cannon Films produced a whole slew of entertaining films during their relatively short run. Do the names Charles Bronson, Chuck Norris and Michael Dudikoff ring a bell? Cannon also was prolific in distributing films made by other production companies. Hell Squad (1985) is one such film that Cannon only distributed, being produced by Cinevid. Was Cannon as successful in this secondary business venture? All I know is that when Hell Squad started with a glittering Cannon logo I was hooked.

• Neutron Dance – Hell Squad opens with a bomb explosion and resulting mushroom cloud. Perhaps an ominous way to start your movie. The neutron bomb only kills living things while leaving all buildings in tact. A great way for future generations to have the infrastructure to rebuild in case of war, but really it is a convenient way to explain how we see a mushroom cloud but the movie not having to film any destruction.
• Bad Ass Ambassador – An ambassador (Glen Hartford) of an unnamed Middle Eastern country is next seen arguing with his son about the ethics of the neutron bomb and the son quickly gets kidnapped by some terrorists who want the formula for the bomb. This is why I never go away mad, I just go away, you don’t know when your loved one will be kidnapped. Unfortunately, no government will be able to help the ambassador because of the sticky political situation. With only 30 days to pay the ransom, the ambassador’s right hand man, Jim (Walter Cox) has a plan. No, not a private military or professional mercenaries, you fool. Las Vegas showgirls!

• More Like, What The Hell Squad – Jim has a prior relationship with Jan (Bainbridge Scott), and she knows a bunch of showgirls that are looking for more excitement and a bigger paycheck. All these years I thought Las Vegas showgirl was decent job, but not for these girls. Of course, with no experience Hell Squad enters the training portion with only 10 days to train and evaluate showgirls into commandos. A few obstacle course and weapons training montages ought to do the trick. After the training, the Hell Squad is formed with Jan and eight other women who made the cut. To the Middle East!

• Rinse (Literally) and Repeat – The Hell Squad wastes no time attacking terrorist bases trying to find the ambassador’s son. The action is about what you would expect from non-action stars, but the music really sells the intensity. Lots of shooting from the hip and laughably inept bad guys make the attack successful, but just not in finding the son. Back to the hotel to relax and clean up. With the water shortage in the desert, that means all nine women in the bathtub at the same time. The next day features another attack, this time a little bit muddier with much of the same action, until the Hell Squad commandeers a tank and all hell (squad) breaks loose! Still no son, but the tub returns.

• Rinse (Literally) and Repeat – There are a third and fourth attack on different camps, but we see even less of the action, but the tub comes back. I am starting to think the filmmakers were more interested in showing nine women in a tub than on the battlefield. There is a dance number thrown in to show the Hell Squad was undercover as dancers in the hotel, but they might actually be better commandos than dancers. The Hell Squad gets their hotel room raided and they are kidnapped by a sheik (Marvin Miller), finally something different! So you like different? The Hell Squad gets threatened by a tiger… I bet you didn’t see that one coming. Even better, the sheik gets hoisted with his own petard. With the tiger playing the role of the petard.
• The Last Castle – The finale of Hell Squad makes it all worth the wait. The final attack on a castle in the desert, maybe not so much, but I did like the airplane getaway. The batshit crazy twist ending made it all worth it. It is not even a spoiler to say there is a twist ending because if you see this twist coming, kudos to you.

Hell Squad is the kind of crazy action movie that I would have probably skipped over, but the fact that Cannon was involved made it a must watch. Was it worth it? It depends what you are looking for. The action is not great, but it certainly is fun to see showgirls trying to be commandos. If you are coming to see the Hell Squad in a bathtub, be prepared to see nine women not looking too comfortable while crammed into a tub. I am glad I watched because it is another tick on my Cannon filmography. I am glad you stuck around to the end because there are some Hell Squad Bonus Bullet Points.

• Not To Be Confused With – Hell Squad is also the name of a 1958 WWII movie. Gimme the 1985.
• If You Ever… – Wanted to see feather boas in your action movie then Hell Squad is for you.
• Accurate Quote – “It will take more than some T & A.”
• Boom! – I love when a boom mic is visible in a shot, but the car show scene is pretty egregious.
• Best Subtitle Joke – One of the very few uses of subtitles was to give us this dirty joke: “What did the elephant say to the naked man? How the hell can you breathe through that thing?”