Bullet Points: Wheels of Fire
When I hit the post-apocalyptic road, I always feel a little better knowing that Director Cirio Santiago is behind the wheel. That is why it was an easy decision to sit down and watch 1985’s Wheels of Fire…
- Big Brother: As the movie begins we see our hero Trace (Gary Watkins) pop in at a desert outpost to check in on his younger sister Arlie (Lynda Wiesmeier, Malibu Express). Arlie is about to watch her boyfriend Bo stick fight a guy for car keys… that’s right, there are no pink slips to worry about in this post-apocalyptic future. But a last minute substitution spells trouble for Bo and Arlie and Trace watch as Bo loses the keys to Arlie’s car… Trace isn’t going to stand for that so he enters the fray, beats the crap out of Bo’s unscheduled opponent and reclaims Arlie’s keys. This doesn’t sit well with the guys that tried to get Arlie’s car so we get our first high speed chase and find that Trace and his younger sister are freaking road warriors!
- No Time to Celebrate: With the immediate threat eliminated (Arlie forced a car load of baddies off a cliff!), Trace and Arlie stop to have a conversation… Trace doesn’t approve of Bo and after a few seconds the family squabble is interrupted when Trace spots an even bigger threat on the horizon, it is Scourge and his Highway Warriors… the first set of bad guys were bad, but Scourge and his crew are the baddest of the bad and that means they need to get moving before he gets them… they decide to split up, with Arlie taking the highway while he cuts through the desert. Trace hopes that Scourge and the Highway Warriors will follow his dust trail and Arlie will be out of harm’s way. Trace couldn’t have been more wrong…
- The Crossroads: When Scourge arrives at the crossroads where Trace and Arlie were standing just moments before… he splits his crew into two, one taking the desert road while they other takes the highway… what an evil mastermind!!! When the Highway Warriors catch up with Trace we learn about a cool feature that Trace has on his car… FLAME THROWER!!! So Trace is burning up baddies and meanwhile his sister is having a roadside make out session with Bo… that is until the Highway Warriors get a jump on them. Bo immediately reveals what kind of guy he is, when he tells them to take the car, take Arlie and then begs to join up with them. They take Arlie, but not before they rip her top off and strap her to the hood of a car so they can transport her to the Highway Robbers camp. Bo then makes another plea to Scourge himself about joining up with the Highway Warriors… Scourge agrees IF Bo can survive the initiation which involves butt stuff and being dragged behind a moving jeep (not simultaneously).
- Bo Knows: Bo is left for dead in the desert and that’s how Trace finds him… Bo tells him that Scourge has Arlie, then begs Trace to put him out of his misery and without hesitation Trace shoots Bo a few times to put an end to his pain and suffering. Now Trace finds himself on a mission, but the middle of the movie features the Highway Warriors unknowingly giving Trace friends to make this journey less lonely… first Trace happens upon Stinger after noticing her pet hawk in the sky. Stinger is under attack from some of the Highway Warriors, so Trace jumps in to help out. When the smoke clears, Stinger attempts to take Trace’s car… but that doesn’t work out too well for her. Soon they find out they are both after Scourge and they decide to team up…. This process is repeated when Trace and Stinger add Spike, a young woman who can read minds and Mutt, a little person who is just plain awesome. Both Spike and Mutt were victims of Highway Warriors ambushes. Mutt was actually on his way to the True Believers outpost when his caravan was hit and that is where our heroic foursome is headed as we move into the third act.
- Without a Trace: When they arrive, not only does Trace get to meet the True Believers leader and see the rocket ship they are building to go to paradise in the sky and escape the horrors of this world. He also runs into his “old friends” with the Ownership Army who have promised the True Believers all the fuel they need for their rocket ship. Trace doesn’t like the way the Ownership Army does business, which is why he quit their forces and went out on his own, so it really is no surprise when he decides to leave and continue his search for Arlie. And wouldn’t you know who shows up shortly after Trace leaves!?!? Scourge and the Highway Robbers, who are taking a break from sexually assaulting poor Arlie, so they could attack the True Believers outpost. Trace returns to see all the carnage, but still refuses to join Stinger and what is left of the Ownership Army on their counterattack plans, instead he decides to go after Scourge on his own.
- Kenny Loggins Said It Best: …This is it! Scourge and his boys are about to get an uninvited guest in the form of Trace and an all out assault from the Ownership Army (with some help from Stinger, Spike and Mutt) and I was ready for it, but had some questions… Would Trace be able to save Arlie? Would Arlie have a top on (she spent a large portion of the movie with her breasts exposed and it was not a surprise how she got the role of June Khnockers in Malibu Express) Would Scourge and his fellow scumbags get what was coming to them? And would Mutt continue to be my favorite character in the movie? The answer to that last one is yes, but I’ll let any of you post-apocalyptic fans who have not seen Wheels of Fire yet, find out the answers to the other questions for yourself. If you aren’t a post-apocalyptic fan, you either never clicked on this review or stopped reading a while ago.
Wheels of Fire packs everything you’d want in a post-apocalyptic movie into a neat little 81 minute package… a leather clad hero, the filthiest villains possible, high speed car chases, destructive demolition derby action, a woman with a hawk, a mind reader who can handle a blade, a little person with a gun, explosions and did I mention the nudity?
Do I even need to mention that I am wrapping up this review with some Bonus Bullet Points?
- Dirty Quote: “She’s a tame pussy now.” – Scourge
- If You Ever: …wanted to see a man almost literally lose his ass, moments after he was told he almost figuratively lost his his ass, then Wheels of Fire is the movie for you.
- Familiar Face: I recognized Henry Strzalkowski, who played a sergeant in the Ownership Army from a number of films including Equalizer 2000, Rage and Stranglehold.
